Conflicting schedules

Lonely. Every weekend is spent cleaning and going to church. Weekdays I'm at work all day and don't usually get home till 6:30-7pm. Hubby works night shifts in the ER and we hardly see each other anymore. He gets home so drained that when he has a few days off he will spend the majority of the time sleeping. It's so frustrating not to be able to have a conversation with him. When we do it's things he previously told me and has no recollection of telling them to me, or has any idea what I've been telling him.

I'm just really fucking tired of myself and miss him.
Tired of being in my head and analyzing everything.
Tired of not being able to have dinner with my husband.

At least work is well and we are lucky enough to each have jobs. And the hubby has a second job, that he starts in late October...

I need to be grateful for what we have.
But it's hard when I don't get to enjoy spending time with the only person I have.

so ready for the end of the school year.  less than 30 days...
so frustrated with the state testing that has derailed instruction time and has made these kids shut down.  they don't want to do anything anymore.  argh.  so ready for todays field testing to be over so that we can go back to regular classes.

so frustrated with these kids... ::tear::

this year has gone by so quickly. thank god that it is ending on a good note, and i hope that the next is soooo much better than this year has been. it needs to get better.

I could really go for some brightly colored jeans. love how these ladies pull the look. now to lose a lil weight so i could pull it off half as well...

fuckfuckfuckfuck

i dont understand how if my husband and i are rude, why you're acting like assholes to my mom. it makes no sense to gang up against her! us! how can you take the side of a bum!

when did over the hill adults start acting like petty children. blaming and ganging up against each other. why do you need to lie and exaggerate?

when you tell me that what i did for apa was worth one years rent thats a slap in the face to me! if it had been only about rent and money for me there probably wouldnt have been any problem but i felt attacked and hurt so obviously you were not nice to me, as i was being rude to you trying to hold back the tears.

the extended family ive always been so proud and happy with had crumbled. you were all a lie, caring only about your selves, when ive cared about all of you and wasted my time on all of you.

so fucking frustrated and disapointed.

i have a really bad headache.
at least all my students are working hard on their research paper.
gah!
so glad spring break is next week! i need to get away before i have another panic attack!!!

yay to awesome houston friends and brother in austin!

owww my head...

i think i am depressed. and i dont know what to do about it. i try to hide it from everyone, i am embarrassed to tell anyone. i dont think my husband would even believe me. and with my parents it would be matter of toughen up. but i think holding it in has made me break this weekend. i cant even enjoy time to myself. ive been home depressed, frustrated, and exhausted wasting away my weekend.

i hate being alone. i dont want to be alone.

i hate what i am, who ive become.

and at this point in my life i cant change it because there are too many thing depending on me to keep going the direction i am going. and it is making me unhappy.