fml

i got my cavities filled and now i cant eat dinner... ugh

i think ill just go to sleep now.

down

i want:

• the new color nook
• a spinning bicycle to workout at home
• a new vehicle that is not broken
• nike free running shoes
• new boots
• my eyebrows reshaped
• a possitive attitude
• someone to talk to, open up to
• not feel so stressed and depressed all the time
• to feel pretty again
• to be back in school

im tired of the real world, i'd give anything to have no responsibilities again and just be happy for a while. i know there is no real reason for me to feel this way but i just cant get rid of the dread that sits in my heart all day long.

i fail.

i need to change my perspective.

not in a good place.

i wanted to have a good day today.
but its already been ruined.
i need to make a review sheet of sorts for my lazy students but i am anything but motivated.

church is supposed to be my relax/recharge for the week time. and chris ruined it for me. i dont know why he has to be so selfish right now. i know i dont do a good job at being a wonderful wife but i do a lot of shit that he should be doing. i am supporting him and i get no support in return. and i am tired of it. i just dont understand anymore. how me being selfish in one aspect allows him to be selfish in everything he does. and i let him to get away with it. and that makes me hate my self even more.

self loathing ftw, as usual

this day feels wasted

feeling sick and overwhelmed.
i just want a day of rest and nothing...

drove up to austin thur morn.
and then drove back fri afternoon.
for two different conferences. and i did not sleep well on thur nite. last nite i did sleep well but not well enough i guess.
can the stress of a 5 and a half hour drive two days in a row really make me feel like this? i feel so dizzy and weak and ickyyy... i hate it. i planned to do some cleaning and gardening outside this morn. but i woke up and couldnt even stand or walk around.

i didnt wanna bum around today but thats all i can do.

i think i am getting hungry.
dunno what to eat tho...

meh

HESTEC 2010

i think i had more fun than some of my students on our excursion today... lol

it was a nice change of pace to get back on the university campus. plus it was a beautiful day...

gradessss

soooo all of my stuff is graded and i am now inputting it into the online gradebook! thank goodness!!! more than half way done. teacher the hut has entrapped the other two teacher to help her grade. and once she has all the grades in an easily read excel spreadsheet i will be able to input them into the online gradebook later as well! woo!

thank god for my itouch, i can have my music and block out teacher the huts annoying complaints! how can someone be satisfied in doing a half assed job? seriously? i do not understand that. i couldnt like myself if i purposely tried to fail like she is doing. whateva... im am good and an doing a great job so i am happy with myself.

back to work.

teacher the hut wtf!

i was on a grading roll! im down to 3 more assignments to grade; packets of like 3 worksheets makes up two of the assignments but its ok. and thennnnn teacher the hut has towalk in and complain about how much work she has because she has fallen behind and has failed to be organized and expects us to take care of ALL of it. i am very willing to help as long as you do your part. its only fair and right. but damnit. i do not have time to help you grade the work from the past 3 weeks that we have been telling you to get organized for the past three weeks! seriously how lazy are you?!?!?!?

i am now unmotivated.
i know i need to continue but the tightness in my shoulder wont go away, even after my coka cola. i think its time to go home now...

::tear::

fucking shit i am so stressed out i hate having to help people that dont want to help themselves. it is not fair that as i try to help them they keep acting helpless and stupid and fat!!!

fuck this shit i wanna cry and the school day has not even begun.

why do i volunteer for this shit!
i know it needs to get done but it would be nice if the idiot would act like she understands me when she should! shes in master program for crying out loud!

BCBS

FUCK HR AND THEIR INCOMPETENT EMPLOYEES!!!!!!
THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS AND I AM BEYOND FRUSTRATED AND UPSETTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK THIS SHITTTTTT!

fuck!

i am feeling so damn flusterd, overwhelmed, exhausted, freakout! i cant even explain it!!!! i have so much to fucking to do. input lesson plans for the week, grade all the work i left for this past week with the sub. input these grades into the online gradebook, work out some information concerning integrated curriculum that is supper stupid!!!!

first i will work on lesson plans
then i will try to look at the integrated curriculum thing....
then i will try to do some grading
then it will be time to input grades...
all while i wait for fucking BCBS to fax something to my lame ass HR rep.

that is partly the cause of the freak out...
i need proof of insurance for my husband
and its been a fucking task and a half to get everything fixed after HR fucked up...

doesnt feel like so much listed out like that, except the waiting part...

one whole week

next week i will be in austin with TEA discussing ways our school can and cannot use the 350,000$ that we were awarded through a grant... its gonna be crazy and hectic i am sure trying to figure out the rules. but its gonna be beautiful. we are basically staying at a resort in marble falls. yay to the state pampering themselves and us! i am nervous i am going to miss chris lots while i am gone and he stays for school... plus ill miss the fahtt cat and puppy frida.

i've sorted out what will be needed to be taught or gone over by the sub next week. i am nervous to lose a full week of instruction with my students. hope they do ok.

everything is figured out in my head now all i gotta do is put it into the computer and my online lesson plan book thing... and make lots of copies for next week. hope i can input the lessons during class as i have them work on a worksheet. i know i can for bio but i wont be able to for phy/chem... argh

restless and nervous and anxious... ayeayeaye

green

i want to be there. so beautiful.
or have a garden like that.
but i dont have a green thumb.
soon enough...

Greedy Hen

this kinda epitomizes how i feel today... also it is just pretty.

::sigh::

i want pretty hair

i miss my long hair. i cut it all off in march and it feels like nothing but my bangs has grown since then. it is very frustrating. my hair usually has a tendency to grow quickly, and now its not. i feel old...

all mixed up...

i hate myself so much lately... it is ridiculous. i do not understand what is wrong with me. every little thing is bothering me and makes me want to go over the edge. i just want to be happy again. but i cant. i think the pms is making this week worse compared to the rest of this summer. but thank god i am having a regular period. it needs to be september so that i can be seen by my gyno and get everything checked. make sure everything is in working order.

i just wanna fall asleep and not wake up.
i havent felt like this in years.
im not an angsty teenager anymore.
why am i feeling like this again.
fuck it all to hell.

i need real people in my life and i dont know where to find them other than houston 5 hours away. i wish i had more friends around me. butttt mehhh... i need to get out more. but im an old lady and dont like to go out too late...

fail!

The Sartorialist

this is the summer look i wish to obtain.

hurricane alex is on its way to the valley. while i am in austin.
i wish i was home so that i could make sure everything is safe at home. i really really hope the house does not flood... but i have a feeling it will.

getting anxious.
no one is ansering my texts...
i dont know what to do!
i want to make sure my home is safe and im not there to make sure it is...

so frustrated and anxious.

damnit!

atx

it is amazing how depressed i get when chris is not with me. i don't know how to deal with apa not being here anymore. i miss him so much. i feel so lonely when i am home. i don't want to be home. i should be enjoying my first summer as a teacher: OFF! but the house has too many feelings with it and i just want out. the one way i think i've been coping is with spending money. and i need to stop. i think my mom is doing the same. its so ugly without him. i miss him so much. i want my apa back... but i know hes in a better place.

i have workshops in austin from monday till thursday. i am so excited to go just because ill be out of the house and out of the valley. chris is going to meet me in austin on thursday and we will spend the weekend with the best little brudda eva. instead of our basic shopping till we drop routine, i've looked up several museums and botanical gardens and places to visit super cheap or FREE! excited for some of the art museums! we need out... i need out.

i don't need money for the rest of the month.
i'm just home lonely... cleaning playing with the animals...
we should be good.
hopefully...

sigh

feeling lonely in a room filled with family...
I need to get over my shit. I hate feeling like this.

closet space

bored at home with nothing to do. we had a wonderful scrubdown of the house yesterday. the hubby and i had a full afternoon of cleaning. i had finished the laundry in the morning as we set to it. it feels so wonderful to have the house so immaculate and lovely. lets see how long it takes for the hubby to muss it up again... he even went through some of his clothes and got rid of a lot of useless clothing. which was great! more hangers for when i do laundry!

now i need to go through my stuff and truly decide what i need to keep.., i have gained weight and am trying to lose it and there are lovely htings that just dont fit me anymore... but then there are things that i know i wont wear buttttt... i dont want to get rid of them just yet. even though i need to. my side of the closet is bursting.

i suppose thats what i can get started on.

so lonelyyyyy and pathetic...

I feel like going shopping for useless necessities such as jewlery and shoes and clothing... but I dont have the money right now.
I should be saving but I've realized that shopping is helping me cope. And since i am on summer break i get bored easily and wanna go shopppingggg.. ughhh

Plus I feel super lonely and friendless...

Genaro Alonzo

mi abuelito died.
i feel so empty and lost without him.
i would give him his medications each morning and this morning i was getting ready for work and heading out and was on my way to his room to give him his meds. yah, still hasnt sunk in yet. it hurts.

Fuck.

summer booklist:

The Omnivores Dilemma- Michael Pollen
The Illustrated Man
Los Nombres del Aire
The Open Veins of Latin America
The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down
The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet- Reif Larson
Book Thief
Anything Truman Capote
Anything Pablo Coehlo


anddd much more I hope
thats a start though so yay to a summer off and being able to read for pleasure!

Darwin and UCA

Just what did this universal common ancestor look like and where did it live? Theobald's study doesn't answer this question. Nevertheless, he speculated, "to us, it would most likely look like some sort of froth, perhaps living at the edge of the ocean, or deep in the ocean on a geothermal vent. At the molecular level, I'm sure it would have looked as complex and beautiful as modern life."

love sciencedaily.com

i cant wait to get this for my brithday.
i wish it would be sooner than that but i guessss it'll do
even though i plan to read read read and read some more all summer long.

i plan to get buff with P90X
garden in my unorganized and weedy back yard
and then read in my yard once it is full of all the new plants and landscaping that we plan to do.

big plans for the summer
lots of work and lots of time with the love.

i love the light bulb idea!!!
i wish i hadnt thrown out all the light bulbs lol!
all my current bulbs are the crazy energy efficient ones...

i just like the idea of having the ivy grow from somehting hanging on the wall i need to start that at home...
i keep killing all the indoor plants i try to bring home
other than the aloe vera plant everything dies... ::Tear::

ivy should be fine tho hopesooo...

yay to better lazy days and students doing work independently and not being too loud and annoying. one student being gone makes all the others better... so lovely

How did I know id be eating whataburger tonight. Fml. I am sick of the routine. Sick of myself.

it is amazing how much these whiny and obnoxious children can put me in a bad mood. i provide them with everything and they complain that they cant do it. it is so frustrating. i think my pms is also a part of it.

i am just tiredddd...

we took a field trip to corpus christi yesterday to see the state aquarium and the USS Lexington. it was interesting. the students weren't as rambunctious as i thought they would be, which was very very good!

now i am just exhausted. a two and a half hour drive on a charter bus to and from in the same day was exhausting.

the students are working on research papers now.
always a good break for me.
and i need it.

ughhhhh!
not in the mood...
annoyed with they day.
and getting hungryyyyyy...

::bleh::

i <3 this photo so much from the sartoralist that i made it my wall paper. it makes me happy to look at as i am at work trying to teach my students. its a wonderful pick me up every time i come to my computer.

sooo... my husband doesnt qualify for financial aid.
huge ass bummer and just adds to my list of worries.
ohh joy.
no trips this summer and he will be working all summer long.

most likely a trip or two to austin but i dunno...
money suckssssss!
so frustrated.

or should we just get a loan it'll only be for 3 semesters and a summer...

damn money problems.
i wish i had had the income tax return put into my account.
it would have lasted longer.

nobody gives a damn.

living rooms

i want wall art like in the blue pic.
i think one of the hubby's friends would be able to make them. he is quite artistic and a great welder... hmmm.
and i wish i could stack my books and use them as a coffee table, it looks so adorable! but my puppy is evil and likes to eat books. so that could prolly never happen.

ohh wells.
hope i can reinvent my living and kitchen area this summer.
they are painted horrible colors and i NEED to change them.

just 7 more weeks and i have my summerrr breakkkk!
::joy::

i feel like i am losing myself.
too many obligations and i dont feel like i am taking care of myself the way that i should be. too many things everywhere and i feel lost.
lost lost lost...

I want to feel pretty again.
I want to feel like she looks.

Valentino

I want this clutch.
It is tooo beautifullll!
::sigh::

there is a game on nobelprize.org that has you become the caretaker of a diabetic dog. all my students got a big kick out of it. it was cute. one of my more challenging students named his dog a combination of my name and the other two teachers names. uncalled for. grrrr to that kid.

i cut my hair
and i loveeee it!
pictures later...

back to work ::sigh::

Kari Byron from mythbusters.
love her shirt and love her hair even more.
i've decided that i will be cutting my hair that short this coming monday, so excited. spring break is so closeeeee. I dont want to go to work today or tomorrow.

I want to make a wall clock like this one from modcloth.com it is too cute. it would be fun to have this in my classroom.

Need more confidence. Ive been to negative with myself. I want to like myself again.

LAMB

I just bought myself my first pair of LAMB heels.
I am in love.
Cant wait to wear them out.

Now I just need a haircut.
Maybe once I get my hair cut, I will gain my confidence back.

Monday I will call around and look for my old hairstylist, why did she move to another salon! I miss her so much.